Friday, September 17, 2010

The morning wood story

So, for my first post, I have chosen an oldie but a goody, the Morning Wood Story. Its one of my most popular stories (my friend Joe actually climbed on a chair and stopped a party once because he wanted me to tell everybody), and I figure it would be a good opening hook. Not to mention, if you don't at least smile a bit, you should prolly move on, because it only goes downhill from here.
Anyways, here goes nothin'

The Morning Wood Story

So, a few years ago, sometime between high school and when I moved out of my parents house, I'm fast asleep when I am awakened by the doorbell. Now, since my room was closest to the front door, and I sleep with the window open during the summer (no A/C) I can hear that it was some stupid giggling girls that have awaken me from my much needed beauty rest.

So I get out of bed, obviously pissed off at the audacity of people waking me up at 10:30 on a Wednesday morning, and as I am dragging my ass towards the door to see what they want, I notice I have morning wood. And I don't mean ordinary morning wood, but my penis is fully erect, about as big as its gonna get. This fact is made that much more obvious by my thin pajama pants and the fact that I don't usually wear underwear under pajamas, especially in the summer. In a nutshell its pretty flippin' obvious that I have a giant boner. I pause for a second, then decide, no, fuck it, they woke me up, they have to look at my boner.

As I get to the door I just decide to go for it, and throw the door wide open, standing there, legs apart, chest out, penis at full attention, and ask what they want. At this point I realize that its the little sister of this dumb kid that I went to high school with (another story entirely about that kid) and some asian girl, and they both look at me, and the little sister says good morning, then she gives me a very obvious once over, then looks back at me with this giant stupid grin and pauses for a second, clearly awed at what she has just witnessed. After a few seconds she snaps out of it and remembers why she woke me up. 

Turns out they were Jehovah's witnesses, and they wanted to talk to me about watching a guy named Jehovah doing something, I don't remember, it was early and I didn't really give a shit. Anyways, the entire time the sister is talking she keeps slightly glancing down at my dong, then catching herself and looking back up, like what happens to a guy (or a lezbo I suppose) when there is a girl with huge cleavage talking to you and you know you shouldn't be looking but can't help it.

So eventually she finishes her shpeel, and looks to the asian to pick up her half of the presentation (apparently they rehearsed this thing before, and had like a 2 part plan), anyways, she actually has to nudge the asian girl because she is fixated on my man meat and has no idea whats going on. She snaps out of her penis staring daze and starts her little speech, and the sister's gaze almost immediately drops down to my belt line. This entire time I'm standing here slightly amused at whats going on, but mostly a combination pissed off and daydreaming of the letter I could write to Penthouse if this were to pan out a certain (very unlikely, yet favorable) way, and then the asian girl finishes her deal, and they hand me some papers about something, and I ask if they want anything else (come on Penthouse), and the sister looks down, then up, then smiles and says no, so I shut the door and went back to bed. I think I must have peed first, because, as I said, I had giant morning wood.

Anyways, that's the morning wood story, in all of its glory, I hope you all enjoyed it.

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